I’ve just finished opening up after a hiatus so I figure a standard disclaimer is in order:
This site contains adult and/or alternative content.
If you’re underage or are easily offended, you might want to turn around now. 
For anyone else who might be curious and those of you who followed my link from a blogroll… get more details here.
Listening to an old school R&B joint and I decided, since it mentions a trip down memory lane thanks to some old photographs, I’ll touch on each real quick.
Some of you have been with me since the beginnings of my journey about 8 years ago and you can now find many pieces of that journey here. I’ve finally managed to go through and resurrect the old writings and ramblings I felt worthy of being brought back. I’m still in the process of making my second pass to add ‘current’ names, tags, etc but at least part one is out of the way. Should you care to dig that far back, you can catch up on the cast of characters, take peeks into my head, learn what makes me tick, and read about some pretty sexy experiences I’ve had.
Before I get around to continuing the organization of all these cryptic messages, I’m going to share some pictures that have been sitting on my phone collecting dust. Just days before we were due to cut yet another tie (almost two months ago now, wow), James and I ended up exchanging some pictures. And I lucked out in getting a couple from Anthony.
Merry Xxxmas!
I not-so-accidentally positioned myself in a way that’d get me back in touch with mi Amo, mi Bear. (I would make some links but I have no idea if the posts are visible yet.)
I’ve done this for a few reasons: to start, I wanted to see how he and the Bearcub are doing – plus I miss him and figure he is the only other (aside from Chaz) I might want to play around with. We’ve been chatting via IM and I blew him away when I mentioned the whole playing thing. I’m not too sure if we’d actually end up fucking, but he’s great at cuddling (thus mi Bear) and I really enjoy his company. Plus I want to see for myself how he’s doing now, how well he’s recovered from his accident.
Hard to believe it’s been almost 4 years since we saw each other last. It’ll be interesting to see how much has changed (and hasn’t, as I have no doubt we’ll be able to pick up to running our mouths nonstop like it was just yesterday I had occasion to visit).
I’m chomping at the bit to see him but it’ll be a bit yet before it’s even a possibility. I have to make sure I’m ahead in school and figure out how/when I can spare the time/money to make the hours’ drive.
The tears…They tease me so.
I’m back home – deeper into hibernation than I was before I left (or came back) – and today is somewhere between two dates – the one where James and I met (early November-ish, 3 years ago now) and the last time we saw each other.
The me from a year’s past was spending time with his family and friends she loved before they even met and, in a couple of days, would be readying herself for the end of her vacation and the dreaded drive home, secure in her love for him and ready to return to his battlegrounds. The me of today is faced with a love still as strong as it was back then and nowhere to put it, wishing she didn’t have to deny herself the fleeting pleasure of another trip to be in his arms to serve up a reminder of just how much she is to him. This year’s me has barely left her room, is struggling to catch up on class work, wanting to work on her business instead, and wishing for two simple things: for the tears she’s held back so long to spill forth and the safety to let them fall.
Funny how a year can seem like it was just yesterday but, at the same time, feel like an eternity among the damned.
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone and here’s a special shot to those of you who are spending it like her: alone in a house of 10+ people.
On a whim, I sat down and began sifting through all the previously mentioned posts. There are now 66 in the trash and probably another 120 that have been resurrected. I think I’m working backward, so most of whats been added transpired just before I met James on backward. Four years worth of stuff, all told. It’ll be interesting to see how much of the rest make it into the light of day.
Life…is life. I’ve been joking more and more about becoming a crazy ol’ cat lady (sans cats, because I really don’t like them – probably snakes instead) so I figured I’d try for like the fourth or fifth time over the last three or four months to sit down and write something.
I forgot to mention the most interesting part of the ‘after’ the storm…
I was asked if I’d turned into an insect.
A few stolen moments, trying hard not to tap too loudly on a ‘foreign’ keyboard…
Still going back and forth on the possibility of a visit, the idea of him being here sat less and less well with me. Beyond not knowing his reasons, I didn’t want to be put in a place where he came down, I opened back up, and he kept pulling the same crap again and again until (if) he ends up back down here. There are too many questions swirling around in my head and even the notion of being in his arms is a confusing one. I couldn’t even really stomach the idea of intimacy with him, though I suspect that would change pretty quickly once he was here (assuming I could get over being close to him).
I solved all this, at least in part, early this morning.
I forgot to mention that my birthday recently passed. I am 31 years old. Love it.
Anyway, I spent my birthday weekend holed up in a hotel, all on my own, being seen by the world at large only for the sake of food or making cameos in various corners of my circle.
I was supposed to be spending a large amount of that time fucking (or trying to) but the plans I’d laid out tentatively fell through, as I knew they would.