A few stolen moments, trying hard not to tap too loudly on a ‘foreign’ keyboard…
Archive for the ‘Inside Her Mind’ Category
Jul
05
2011
Another Line
Still going back and forth on the possibility of a visit, the idea of him being here sat less and less well with me. Beyond not knowing his reasons, I didn’t want to be put in a place where he came down, I opened back up, and he kept pulling the same crap again and again until (if) he ends up back down here. There are too many questions swirling around in my head and even the notion of being in his arms is a confusing one. I couldn’t even really stomach the idea of intimacy with him, though I suspect that would change pretty quickly once he was here (assuming I could get over being close to him).
I solved all this, at least in part, early this morning.
Jun
26
2011
…Something
I forgot to mention that my birthday recently passed. I am 31 years old. Love it.
Anyway, I spent my birthday weekend holed up in a hotel, all on my own, being seen by the world at large only for the sake of food or making cameos in various corners of my circle.
I was supposed to be spending a large amount of that time fucking (or trying to) but the plans I’d laid out tentatively fell through, as I knew they would.
Jun
04
2011
740
All told, I have 740 posts here now. 500 of them are in the process of being dusted off and sifted through before being re-released into the wild. Many won’t make it (they’re being siphoned off to other places) but still…it’s an impressive number.
I’m seriously considering a good fuck or three next week (‘vacation’), to see if it’ll help get me over whatever hangup I still have. And maybe a bit of vindication. I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit still and hold my breath waiting for James. But, of course, since I’m looking forward to it, it won’t go anywhere near like I want it too.
I can dream, though!
May
31
2011
Normal
I’ve…prided myself on being outside the norm, especially when it comes to being of the female persuasion.
A lot of the new school complaints men have about women…I rest well outside them.
For some reason, it took me until tonight to catch on to a pattern.
I’m not sure how many of James’ ‘I’m ready to drop everything‘ conversations I’ve been privy to. Still, playing my part, I keep pushing him…keep spurring him into action as I can. Even as I faced (and then dealt with) the reality of sending him on, I’ve played the part. Hell or high water, I choose to believe that it’s his gift, that we can find a way to make it work, that it will all be worth it in the end…
Most women I know might well have told him to give up on this ‘dream’ – especially if it meant that he would be ‘available’ that much faster.
But nooooooooooooooooooooooooo, not me!
I just keep pushin…
What the hell have I been thinking this whole time??
May
27
2011
Drawing The Line
May 18th, my ‘parting’ words to James (for that particular exchange, at least):
And because it bears repeating, fuck you too.
May
12
2011
The Answer
…was, unfortunately though not surprisingly, to the positive.
I should have just stayed asleep. At least then I could have finished my nap.
Now I’ve got to figure out a new escape plan.
May
10
2011
Waiting to Exhale
I forgot I’d even written the last entry I did but it pretty much still holds true. Beyond that, I guess a month was long enough for me to think ‘jeez, it’s been a while.’
Apr
04
2011
Lonesome
Thursday to Sunday – nine whole days.
No, wait…Thursday to Thursday.
…Friday…Saturday…Monday to Thursday…pleaseeeeeee?
‘Nah, none of the above, chicklet’ say the Heavens to me.
After weeks of stress, emptiness, and angst in general…
Wednesday – the day I have to give up on seeing James, very late on what should have been my last night with him, the money I was waiting on hit the bank.