I’m in anticipation mode, again. James has a show tonight. I started out excited but, given he’s been quiet since some time last night, I’m getting anxious.
Anger.
Any time there’s a lull in our conversations these days (especially on the weekends), I start to swear up and down she is here and that vicegrip is back at my throat with a whole new menace behind it.
She was here last weekend and I wouldn’t be surprised to see her tonight. I hate that I even think that, right of the bat, when I know he told me he would be holed up in the garage. I hate that I have to sit here, now, while somewhat rational, and decide what to do if she is there. Stay and be miserable, hoping he has sense enough to go home with me? Leave and risk his wrath – and feel like an ass yet again because he’d already planned to go home with me? I hate that I feel the prick of tears in my eyes, yet again, for all the wrong reasons. I’m sick and tired of crying over his desire to stick his dick in some bitch he should have known wouldn’t compare to me. I have worked too hard to ensure that won’t happen.
I didn’t like her from day one. I KNEW what she planned to do, saw it coming that. very. night. and he abandoned me – leaving me to sit at his house, assuming he was dealing with another chick he used to fuck – who was also in attendance and made sure to have a hand on him damn near the entire time! Fourty some odd minutes later, I decide to leave, and find he’s gone off with her. And as if that weren’t enough, he had the nerve to come home some time hours later, expecting me to be sitting there!
He fell right into it and I’m the one who gets to deal with the fallout.
And she’s not going anywhere anytime soon because she’s ‘cool, has a good head on her shoulders,’ and, most importantly, is ‘useful.’ (Which is still a good reason he’s leaving – less chance of contact and greater ease to my mind.)
Wednesday, I guess it was, I saw a nifty looking music law book in his room. I got all kinds of excited when he said it was, in fact, his, and asked if he had the receipt (thinking, already, of business writeoffs). She gave him the book, for his birthday. I currently have it in my possession to study before he leaves. Only the fact that he and I really need this to further our plans outweighs the sickness I feel each time I have it in my hands.
It took such a long time and so much work to build up the kind of faith he needs from a woman and it’s all gone to shit.
I’m tired of it smelling up our lives and want it OVER already.
I have much more important things to be focusing on right now.
