Some of you have been with me since the beginnings of my journey about 8 years ago and you can now find many pieces of that journey here. I’ve finally managed to go through and resurrect the old writings and ramblings I felt worthy of being brought back. I’m still in the process of making my second pass to add ‘current’ names, tags, etc but at least part one is out of the way. Should you care to dig that far back, you can catch up on the cast of characters, take peeks into my head, learn what makes me tick, and read about some pretty sexy experiences I’ve had.

Before I get around to continuing the organization of all these cryptic messages, I’m going to share some pictures that have been sitting on my phone collecting dust. Just days before we were due to cut yet another tie (almost two months ago now, wow), James and I ended up exchanging some pictures. And I lucked out in getting a couple from Anthony.

Merry Xxxmas!

…feelin frisky…make use of these last few days…

…feel free to send more…

…sure NOW you get greedy…

And, shock of all shocks, I got a few of my own.

Another the next day, just because I like how they look at this angle. (And, actually, these aren’t all that were taken but I noticed a pattern thanks to being out of practice with the daily shots: they were all pretty much the same!)

Our last day:

Rise n shine! Bright and early in the morning, before I had to wake the munchkin.

Munchkin at school and nephew visiting grandparents. You can read about Thor, also seen here, back here. Since I’d only recently had my oh-so-brief ‘encounters’ with the opposite sex for the first time in almost a year, I bottomed out even more easily than I did the first time I used that pup. Sent James the picture telling him something along the lines of this is how shallow his neglect has left me.

Later that same afternoon, fresh out of the shower – since that’s usually when I’d snap a picture for him (two pant sizes bigger than I was when he left – neglect I tell ya!:():

That was the last I got to send to him (over the phone, anyway). I figured I’d have time to get one more in before they were shut off but they got us earlier than usual that time. But I did get a few more…:D

Apparently I wasn’t the only one in heat that day. Within a couple of hours of my romp with Thor, Anthony popped up.

Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you…

After seeing that, I did a lot of thinking about him, too. Mmmm.

And, just before the Witching Hour, lucky girl me, got a couple more from James.

I miss him, and his appendages, especially since I’ve gotten (and, now, revisited) these little reminders. Wonder which will come back first – my sex drive or him.

I’ve got 3 leads cast for New Years – one each with first, second, and third generation friends. Be interesting to see what comes next – hopefully it’ll be fun, whatever it is! I have some good luck charms, though:

I’m trying something new as part of this transformation/hibernation thing I’m going through – no more cotton unless it’s that time of the month. Heh. Let’s see how much magic they can work for me…

I’ve done this for a few reasons: to start, I wanted to see how he and the Bearcub are doing – plus I miss him and figure he is the only other (aside from Chaz) I might want to play around with. We’ve been chatting via IM and I blew him away when I mentioned the whole playing thing. I’m not too sure if we’d actually end up fucking, but he’s great at cuddling (thus mi Bear) and I really enjoy his company. Plus I want to see for myself how he’s doing now, how well he’s recovered from his accident.

Hard to believe it’s been almost 4 years since we saw each other last. It’ll be interesting to see how much has changed (and hasn’t, as I have no doubt we’ll be able to pick up to running our mouths nonstop like it was just yesterday I had occasion to visit).

I’m chomping at the bit to see him but it’ll be a bit yet before it’s even a possibility. I have to make sure I’m ahead in school and figure out how/when I can spare the time/money to make the hours’ drive.

I’m back home – deeper into hibernation than I was before I left (or came back) – and today is somewhere between two dates – the one where James and I met (early November-ish, 3 years ago now) and the last time we saw each other.

The me from a year’s past was spending time with his family and friends she loved before they even met and, in a couple of days, would be readying herself for the end of her vacation and the dreaded drive home, secure in her love for him and ready to return to his battlegrounds. The me of today is faced with a love still as strong as it was back then and nowhere to put it, wishing she didn’t have to deny herself the fleeting pleasure of another trip to be in his arms to serve up a reminder of just how much she is to him. This year’s me has barely left her room, is struggling to catch up on class work, wanting to work on her business instead, and wishing for two simple things: for the tears she’s held back so long to spill forth and the safety to let them fall.

Funny how a year can seem like it was just yesterday but, at the same time, feel like an eternity among the damned.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone and here’s a special shot to those of you who are spending it like her: alone in a house of 10+ people.

I guess I’ll introduce you to the loon I’m becoming.

To kick it off, through some unfortunate circumstances that led to some more unfortunate circumstances, I met a guy I thought would make a good boytoy a few months ago now. I’ll call him Ricky. We fucked the second time we saw each other, after a month and a half of talking on the phone and because I had occasion to go visit my hometown. The first time felt good. I’ve missed a man inside me more than I realized. BUT my tightness was his ruin after the rubbing he got before I finally decided to say ‘oh well’ and jump on. Hooray for very quick quickies (not). We tried again the next night but I ended up dry as a bone. I didn’t explain that I couldn’t get wet because he wasn’t James, just blamed it on a body chemistry problem that’s partly true.

Had he come around any time ‘before,’ he might have made it longer. But between my really not feeling the whole fucking thing (again later) and the small annoyances that became bigger ones because of my new-found cat lady status, that just didn’t happen. This is one reason I’m glad my new lifechanges are in the works. (More on those in a sec.)

The second time I visited my hometown, I had occasion to meet up with the only male of significance in my life that I haven’t fucked, Chaz. Chaz been around as long as Esteban and Xavior (almost half my 31 years on this earth) and was my best friend back in those early days and a bit into the later ones. With a few benefits. While we never fucked, we had rather regular dry humping sessions until he found himself a woman. Fair-skinned, long haired beauty with a foreign accent who could kiss like nobody’s business. We always ended up naked, always had orgasms (multiple at times in my case). One of us always had underwear on and there was never any penetration, unless you want to count the occasional finger exploring my depths. They still stand as some of the hottest nights I’ve experienced.

Anyway, the first night I was at his place, it went much like I thought it would. We caught up, shot the breeze while he tried to get some files from my dead computer, and had an all around fun time playing with his adorable pooches. Ricky ended up sealing my growing annoyance with him thanks to his constant ‘bugging’ to head on to his house. I put him off as long as I could – I was having a lot of fun where I was. I finally gave in a good few hours later than I’d planned, figuring I’d go make my third attempt at fucking, because the possibility of fucking Chaz hadn’t even crossed my mind.

Chaz offered me his guest room and I chuckled. (I really am dense.) I told him I’d best be going and slowly made my way out the door. We stopped just outside his door and he stepped down a step and turned around to face me, putting us about eye-level. I gave him a big squeeze, leaving my arms draped over his shoulders, and asked after his plans for the following night. Somehow, his lips ended up on mine. I melted a bit and moaned as he mentioned the guest room again.

And what do I do? Turn it down. And for what? A total fiasco. Hours of time wasted thanks to alcohol and bad lube. And then having to turn Chaz down again the next night because I’d have felt dirty, our first time being just one night after I was with some other guy. (Been there, done that, most definitely not my cup of tea.)

I told him I’ll be back in town around Thanksgiving and we have tentative plans to meet again but there’s no telling if it’ll happen thanks to all the travel he does for work. I still find myself twitching at the idea when it crosses my mind, about a month later. It works out well, though, because we might not even have to get to fucking and I might just be able to have myself a male-stimulated orgasm again. That’d be nice. I don’t think I’ve experienced that in what…two years or so?

Now beyond all that…general life stuff…

I’m almost done with school which means I might have more time to focus on other things (like everything I keep promising to do for this place) but thanks to some scheduling changes, I must plan to move back home. ‘When’ is still up in the air, whether it be this month or just after the first of the year, but it is coming. I might be saddened by that fact were it not for the fact that my current circumstances are almost as bad as what I was going through up there. I am saddened by the fact that I’m still having to choose between the lesser of the evils instead of living the life I want to be living. But at least if I’m up there, I’ll have my days free so I can try to put my impending degree to use. And I’ll be able to ‘escape’ from time to time – something I can’t do here.

I’ve also cut myself off from a lot of people. Again. After some deep thought and issues with resentment toward James, I decided it was time to get rid of our phone plan. We’re paying a lot every month and not using the phones for their originally intended purpose so right now, they’re a waste. This has the added benefit of becoming unavailable to a lot of people I’d rather not have any dealings with. My contact list had grown to close to a hundred and, aside from my family, I think 20 people made the cut. And I’ve deactivated my ‘main’ FB account again, cutting off almost every mode of contact save email. It’s nice, being liberated, even if it sounds a bit strange coming from a webslut such as myself.

Eh, best for last I suppose…On James…I’m finally confident he’s through fucking the girl he was fucking and I’ve played a few conversations in my favor. I’ve sown the last few seeds I can for the forseeable future so I’m basically at a point where I’m filling the last few commitments I had to him and waiting to see if he’ll realize I’m too important to let go. Either he will or he won’t and I’ll finally have a chance to start moving on. As usual, I guess time will tell. Meanwhile, I’ll be doing my best to make the best of a pretty crappy situation.

Suppose I’ll be back when I have more substance. Heh.

I was asked if I’d turned into an insect.

James was sitting outside and asked after the symbolism in a visit from a mantis. From my phone, I flipped from messaging to browsing and did a search (finding this) and began the laborious task of copying and pasting, 160 characters at a time, the following…

Stillness
Awareness
Creativity
Patience
Mindful
Calm
Balance
Intuition

[...]

The mantis never makes a move unless she is 100% positive it is the right thing for her to do. This is a message to us to contemplate and be sure our minds and souls all agree together about the choices we are making in our lives.

[...]

An appearance from the mantis is a message to be still, go within, meditate, get quite and reach a place of calm. It may also a sign for you to be more mindful of the choices you are making and confirm that these choices are congruent.

[...]

By the time I’d finished transposing the last paragraph, I was overwhelmed with tears and a sense of relief that could have only come from him. Thus, his question, if I’d turned into a bug…

Shortly after, he got quiet. An hour later, he said he’d fallen asleep out there.

Tonight I told him of Esteban, without mentioning who, and asked him what, exactly, he has to offer me. His answer was much less than satisfactory. I almost pray he finds an answer.

Soon.

Friday, I spent some time with Xavior. Surprisingly enough, he missed me (and admitted it!) and was rather…excited, as was evidenced by him pinning me by my throat against a storefront close to where we met up. I think I threw him for a loop, turning down his advances (saying ‘no, stop’ – calling red – for the first time ever). It threw me for an even bigger loop, though, because of how high up in the ‘ranks’ he is. I was a bit perturbed and made sure to let James know, again, that I’m tired of his hold on me.

Then I spent either Saturday or Sunday fighting with James via text (quite the feat), to the point that I told him I was completely through – willing to let the business go with him if it meant I wouldn’t have to deal with him any more. Any other time we’ve had the smaller tiffs, his reactionary position would be ‘fine, done with music anyway’ or something along those lines, always ready to abandon what we’ve started. This time, he said I wasn’t getting rid of him that easily.

We seem to have gotten all the negatives out of our respective systems and his, especially so, was sealed by the appearance of a mantis. I have at least a bit more hope he’s beginning to see my view of our whole situation but beyond that, I don’t know. There’s still a lot of detachment that really needs to stay in place until I see exactly where he’s trying to go with this new leaf he’s turning.

Anyway, I guess maybe it was Sunday or Monday, Esteban texted me asking if I would be in town that Tuesday. Just so happened I wasn’t due to head back home til the next morning so we ended up hanging out.

I always said that we were running the same circle, just in different directions – polar opposites at our last few ‘meetings’ – each delving head-first into either family or business but neither in the same realm at the same time. Our meeting last night was more as equals (I remarked that we’ve officially walked a mile in each others’ shoes), which was a bit weird but really great. We sat at a boat landing close to my parents’ house, sipping on some rather nice-tasting tequila and chit-chatting. (Something I wasn’t sure we’d ever be able to do again.) He began a massage that ended in a hotel room, one that melted every ache and pain I’ve been carrying in my shoulders and back right on away. And I took advantage of him being in town and having me so relaxed to follow through on my promise.

I figured if anyone could make me want to fuck, it’d be him, and he did a pretty good job (my mental issues with it all aside). Physically speaking, it was almost as good as it used to be – enough to go two rounds and want a third. Emotionally, it was…empty. I had to giggle as he came back in from washing up and I thought ‘well damn, I might just have myself a fuck buddy.’ After a decade and a half, and him reigning as supreme ruler for over a decade of that, I looked at him – for the first time ever and saw a friend with benefits. Really, really strange but…cool. Tempting as it was to stay the night, we both had to be on the road today so we parted ways and I fell into one of the deepest, most restful sleeps I think I’ve had in at least a few months.

This morning, I woke up with pulled muscles in my ass cheeks, a bit of tenderness on the areas he repeatedly smacked or grabbed (man I’ve missed that!), and a grin that just wouldn’t leave my face.

A part of me feels guilty but just a little one. I have masturbatory fodder (that maybe I’ll recount more fully here one day), I feel great, and it oughta hold me over for another 8 months. Heh.

Despite James saying his involvement with this…girl…was through, she (as Swimfan before) doesn’t seem to have gotten the hint. Or he didn’t let her down hard enough (as in still ‘entertaining’ her for whatever reason).

Either way, I told him I was done. I’m tired of having to play the jealous female. I don’t like it, never have, and have no reason to deal with it now.

We talked more today than we have in a while and it was mostly about a computer purchase he just made (one reason I’m glad he’s ‘up there’). I slid in just a bit extra because his birthday is coming up and it gave me the opportunity. Other than that and a note I wrote him to go in a box I’m due to send, we don’t speak unless it’s about our business. I told him that was how it would be but Gods, does it suck. I told him (in the note) that it was ‘random’ stuff but in reality, it’s stuff that I wouldn’t tell anyone BUT him. And maybe Xavior, but we don’t even talk like that any more.

I’ve been thinking a fair amount about Esteban as well. I always wondered how he could seem so upset by the things going on in his life but continue to act as if nothing was wrong in his world. Lately, I’ve begun to understand. I wish I’d caught on to things sooner than I did now that I have them at my disposal but jeez. After what I’ve been through lately, to keep going as I have – focused like a rottie on a steak bone? Almost makes me wish I could thank him. (Again.) Heh.

Despite and likely because of all that – and thanks to my computer failing – there have been some major changes in this neck of the woods. Thanks to the computer fail and my need for access to one, I’ve had to resurrect my dinosaur of a PC and move it into the ‘main’ area of the house (read: no privacy).

While my cave is in better shape for hibernation, I don’t know how much time I’ll have for this place until I get things situated again. Never fear, I’m not far away and no one is forgotten….

I solved all this, at least in part, early this morning.

Gonna make it at least a lil easier on myself. If you’re still ‘single’ stay up there. If not, you’re welcome to come but I’m not sure I’m giving up my seven month streak because I’m not sure I can trust you.

This, of course, brought about a less-than-pleased response but I guess we’ll see just how serious he is about me…if at all. At least I have a few less items on my plate til then.

Anyway, I spent my birthday weekend holed up in a hotel, all on my own, being seen by the world at large only for the sake of food or making cameos in various corners of my circle.

I was supposed to be spending a large amount of that time fucking (or trying to) but the plans I’d laid out tentatively fell through, as I knew they would.

I also forgot to mention a real irony that ended up working out in my favor. My last-ditch effort at a plan to see James around my birthday involved being there late Monday and heading out early Thursday – giving James, Webb, and I a chance to work on our business plan on Tuesday and Wednesday, their days off. We’re getting more ‘official’ and I think the focus will help, especially if there are others like Webb who fall into the system. I hated the idea of being around James but I was willing to, for this reason alone.

As my classes for last session drew toward closing, we found out that our final project would be…you guessed it, a business plan!

I sat my first night working on it, trying to lay out what has become a very interwoven and consuming business, and James gave me just the right opening. In reference to sorting out the plan into coherent form, he said ‘you can to it!’ To which my mind automatically flips to Waterboy and I say I can do it all nightttttttttttttttttttttt. He said he knew. I laughed and replied I’d forgotten how and would probably hurt myself it’s been so long. Then he laughed.

A moment later:

Chastity sucks. At least it has a couple of good benefits. More energy diverted into the business and school and I can say I’m savin it for marriage!!

I’m through workin to get married. Hope so but the ball’s stuck in the concrete on your side of the court and I ain’t diggin. And I’ll be through holdin out as soon as the right opportunity presents itself. If that ever happens.

He says cool but I’m thinking maybe he felt a stronger sting than I could have hoped for.

He called me (an oddity since the fallout) a few days ago and, to start, I wondered what he could possibly be up to when he asked me why I deal with him. Seems his new playtoy turned out to be more trouble than she was worth and he called to apologize for even putting me through it and to tell me he was through with her. I was even more amused by the fact that my wish that he feel a stab through the heart when he stuck his dick where it didn’t belong also came true because he kept going soft and wasted a bunch of rubbers. -smirk-

As if that weren’t enough, 12 hours to the nose after I finally asked my followup questions about his apology and went back to my solitude he chimed in out of the blue.

I think I may be off July 25-28.

Ah. So you think you wanna come down here?

He said yes, if he was welcomed. I almost gave him an noncommittal ‘I suppose’ that would normally be taken as a joke but thought better of it. Then I wondered at the fact that my real reaction was exactly that. I know there’s still something lurking, somewhere, within the both of us though so I did the two things I could.

Say ‘of course’ and look up ticket prices, to find something cheaper than what he mentioned. Find, I did. And I just finished relaying it to him. Assuming his ‘might’ is a ‘will be but I’m going to feel her out,’ he may well be purchasing tickets Friday.

Now I just have to decide if I’m going to stick to my guns and keep this visit, should it come to pass, strictly PG.