Ah, Universe…how you taunt me.

Honor them, love them, help them, heal them, but above all else, Fe, free them.

Everyone, of course -
The Universe

Yanno, that pretty much sums up my life. Even if Mr D wrote this to mean free as in ‘free’ their minds, spirits, etc…Every truly close encounter for me has ended the other way…with me either freeing whoever I’d spent so long serving and healing, being freed, or freeing myself from a situation that was too much for too little.

I’m tired of all this fuckin ‘freedom.’

And it all started out so innocent.

Given I sort of jumped on him a little too soon not so long ago (at the hint of a threat to our business), I was going to give him just a wee bit longer before I went at him again. All I wanted to do was see if he’d even read the message I’d sent via the evil FB and I ended up reading what I do believe is a transcript from the beginnings of an affair. With one of his best friends’ wives. As luck would have it, he messaged me a few hours later, asking what I needed from him and made some comments about all the drama he has going on. (Same reasons he hadn’t done some things I’d already asked of him, little does he know what I’ve dealt with lately!)

I fake typed as much as I could – ah, that sucks (which that part really did) – but the rest…eh, W.T.F.evarrrrrrrr! I told him he could call but, really, it was only to see what all I could get him to talk about. I decided to make the best of my time at that moment and went to see a friend. No sooner than I’d walked out the house, I started to cry.

I dried up, put on a happy face, and had a bit of fun for the moments I was ‘out.’ But as soon as I pulled onto my road, the tears started again and they didn’t stop until I begged a plane crossing over to take ‘that shit’ with it…full on imagining it yanking the negativity from me by a tailfin and carrying it off into the emptiness of the night sky.

Then I had to ‘sneak’ my way back in the house, distracting my peoples from noticing my red puffed up eyes and snotty nose.

To say I feel betrayed wouldn’t be quite right – because I do believe I’ve lost the ability to care – but it’s something close. He’s had groupies, they stroked his ego and his cock. Sure, fine and dandy. But I met this woman, saw her face to face, and would have never guessed that it’d end up going down this road – especially not after the things (very intimate things) he’s told me. Never. But…it did. And now he’s going to have to go through the same thing he did with his groupies but a million times worse.

I can’t be around for that. I won’t. I think it’s safe to say I’m finally…done.

My last words to him were ‘get right or get lost’ and, I’m sad to say, it has officially come to that point. He’s got until his birthday – just after I finish this bullshit degree I’m getting – to show me a lot more than he has been. If he doesn’t, I can finally embrace my role as hedonistic healer maid slash crazy catlady type person who flits into peoples’ lives just long enough to make it better before starting the cycle all over again.

…at least a (very) small part of me hopes he’ll succeed?

That said, he shall be Andre. My time there was surprisingly…blissful. And a lot of the stuff that has happened as a result really shouldn’t surprise me…but…

To start, I took some time to take in his surroundings while he was away at school all week. I noticed a lot that’s common from the folks in my life and pretty much confirmed a few of my initial suspicions – that however light the tug, he was around for a reason. Here are a few of the amusements: turns out (I found out way, way, late in the game), he’s in the exact same sort of situation as I am. He has a girl – he’s with ‘for a reason’ – who lives in New York. Me, with James in Virginia and him with her, him likely about the same distance from her as I am from James. Neither of us really expecting anything from the other at first, right? Works out. And I finally learned her name so I’m almost alright with the fact that it’s an affair on his end. Technically, it isn’t on mine and I’m enjoying the hell out of it so far – guilt free. Happy about that fact and hornier as a result.

I got to play hedonistic houseslut (more slut than anything – heavens!) for a good few days and have plans to get in some more, hopefully for my birthday – in much grander scale. The servant even came out for a bit. We did some business business (how we met) and I told him, one night, that my fee for setting up anything that wasn’t monetary in nature would be a rubdown. I called him on it some night later, after I gave half his kitchen a complete makeover while he slept (and ‘lost’ some bay leaves for him:)). After he rubbed me down, I was feeling…energetic…so I returned the favor, introducing him more intimately to my favorite oil blend. Soon after he was done, he made a comment about how it helped him and I couldn’t help but shake my head. He’ll be a lot of work if this goes where it could end up going.

There are plenty of ways it could all go but, being there, I couldn’t help but think about how it’d be if we ended up shacking up somewhere later on down the line. It’d be fun, even if it meant we had to quit foolin around. Even if that never comes about – or I never make it back up there – he’ll be a around for a while and gives me plenty of fodder ever so often now.

Like the sex. Again – heavens! No sooner than I’d written that last blog post…I came! I don’t know if it was just because I haven’t been used or if the way I was riding coupled with his size but…it happened. And we fucked. A lot. Like almost twice a day every day once the dam broke. And it was awesomeeeeee!

And I’ve had to have at least one play session every day or so since I came back home. It’s crazy. I honestly can’t remember the last time I was this ramped up. I like it though. All it takes is a comment from him and I’m twitching again. I can see him making a pretty damned good humiliation expert if he put his mind to it (with Army training to help, no less – eep!). “I enjoyed having you…hope you enjoyed being had…?’ MmmmmmMmmmmmMmmmmmMmmmmMmmmmmm did I – almost as much as I enjoyed the gist of where that particular remark could head.

He’s also something of a perv – wants me to take a picture of my toy collection. Come to think of it, maybe I’ll go ahead and do that when I finish this. And take one other as a ‘thinking of you’ bonus. I’m still debating on whether or not to include the floggers and cuffs. I might, just to see what sort of reaction I get. Heh. Either way, I pulled a pair of my Ophoria balls down from the topmost part of the closet where I keep everything locked away. I’ve been in desperate need of something inside me.

Once I was a safe distance from his clutches (going through withdrawals before I even left), I asked him if he enjoyed the visit and, since I was in a holding pattern, took some time to confirm more of my suspicions: he was a lot more relaxed than usual and (surprisingly) the whole ‘waking up poking at odd hours thing’ as I so eloquently put it was unusual for him.

I don’t think I mentioned his eyes yet. I love em. Most brown eyes I’ve seen (and I’ve seen more than my fair share) are at least relatively the same color from they side as they are from the front. His are gorgeous. They appear dark when you’re facing him but, from the side they’re almost akin to the color of some rich chocolate milk and just as smooth-looking.

Almost seems like I’m forgetting something – can’t remember but one other thing right now (distracted by the porn awaiting my attention) – but I guess I can come back. So, with that, I’ll leave you with the icing on the cake:

He’s a freakin Leo!!! His birthday is smack between Esteban’s and James’s, right up in the thick of the Virgo cusp. T.R.O.U.B.L.E!

He has a wire head massager – much like this one:

I saw it when he pulled it out and giggled a bit, thinking it might be an interesting impact play toy. Apparently, however innocently, he had the same notion because he smacked me with it a few times. A bit later, he finally climbed into bed behind me and started watching TV. When I rolled over to face him, he decided to go back to smacking me on the thigh with the massager. I cut my eyes at him with a raised brow and impish grin.

You havin fun with that thing?

Yeah. Actually, I am. It’s like violence without the violence…And it makes a cool sound!

Later on, we ended up with our legs close together. I had to shift so I rolled over facing him and smiled to myself as I caught a whiff of his scent. It wasn’t too long before I had to move again – rolling onto my other side – and I stretched my length out against his. At some point, he brought the massager back out and began running it along my back. Rather than say anything, I stretched out more so he could reach more and let him go to town. I probably could have had some real fun if he were a bit harder but I figured that might be a bit too much of a conversation this early in the game. Heh.

Eventually he stopped and I snuggled back into his side. Before long, his arm was over me and he was snoring softly in my ear. I might have dozed here and there but each time I shifted, even in the slightest, he would wake a bit, nuzzle my neck, ‘mmm,’ squeeze me, and drift back off. I wondered, for all the twitching and racing thoughts, if I was even the slightest bit slick but that question was answered when I felt it as I rolled over a while into our ‘routine.’

I think that went on for an hour or so before he started to wake up. His nuzzling became more purposeful and his free hand began to roam my body. It took what seemed like forever for him to decide to slip his hand in my pants but when his fingers met their target, I felt jolts of electricity. He took advantage of the wetness, sitting up to pull my pants off before pinning my pelvis to the bed with one hand (fingers in reach of my clit, of course) and exploring my depths with the other. And, were orgasms not such an issue with me, I’d have cum. No doubt he is skilled in pleasing women. Golly. He hit so close, my mouth began to contort and my lips started to numb (always a good thing but it only happens when there’s a man involved for some reason). Then, much to my surprise, he pinned one of my thighs against my body and put his tongue to work. I can’t say I’ve ever been one to enjoy it but that might just change if I get more of that particular quality.

I felt every month of tightness when he finally slid inside me. As soon as he hit full hilt, I contracted and couldn’t relax to save my life. Each slow thrust I met brought moans from us both, his cock continuing the work of his fingers – playing all around that ‘spot.’

He spilled on my belly and it wasn’t long before we both drifted off to sleep, staying on top of each other pretty much the entire night.

This morning, he woke up and climbed out of bed for a bit. He came back, snuggled in against me again and nuzzled my neck, commenting on how good I smelled as he pressed into me and began to wake the rest of me. I spent the first portion of sunrise hours with my ass in the air and chest pinned to the bed. Still quite sensitive from round one, I was quite happy to have all the ‘I haven’t shared a bed with anybody in a LONG time’ kinks worked out of my back.

Given I can’t (won’t) go see James, I ended up making a short jaunt to stay with a rather cool gentleman I ‘met’ on Facebook. I told him he’d have to behave and so far, he’s made good on that. Color me impressed and, in a weird way, disappointed!

I invited myself, I won’t lie. I was slick about it, though, using a comment of his on a post of mine about the kitchen as a springboard. He ‘liked’ the idea and I decided I may as well give it some serious consideration. I was already thinking about holing up in a room, like I did last year, but decided I could be up here much longer for the same price. And I like the guy – he’s cool to be around, educated, and enjoys music. I’m on my second day, with a handful more to go, and I’m laid up in his bed, likely to be asleep by the time he gets back from class (counting on his being tired and wanting to sleep himself – heh). Two dinners and one dessert – all 3 scrumptious, thanks to his chef status – nom! – several beers, and a few other ‘treats’ over the course of the days so far have put me at ease enough to start thinking…

I sure wouldn’t mind getting a LOT of body contact in. The cuddle slut in me is on the rampage and, as innocent as that might be, the slut’s just laying in wait like ‘yeah you know what’s comin next’ with more than the occasional crackhead twitch. It’s been so long…it’s so tempting…I masturbated last night and can’t concentrate on my homework now to save my life.

Buttttt. I’ve been here before. I tried twice. Neither was worth it and, to a degree, I could easily see where this wouldn’t be either. Gr. But then, that was six months ago. I’m further along in the ‘disconnection’ process, and I might be able to find at least a little pleasure in that and go back home with a fresh reminder of what it feels like to be in a man’s arms…to share his bed for the night, (somewhat) happily exhausted.

Some of you have been with me since the beginnings of my journey about 8 years ago and you can now find many pieces of that journey here. I’ve finally managed to go through and resurrect the old writings and ramblings I felt worthy of being brought back. I’m still in the process of making my second pass to add ‘current’ names, tags, etc but at least part one is out of the way. Should you care to dig that far back, you can catch up on the cast of characters, take peeks into my head, learn what makes me tick, and read about some pretty sexy experiences I’ve had.

Before I get around to continuing the organization of all these cryptic messages, I’m going to share some pictures that have been sitting on my phone collecting dust. Just days before we were due to cut yet another tie (almost two months ago now, wow), James and I ended up exchanging some pictures. And I lucked out in getting a couple from Anthony.

Merry Xxxmas!

…feelin frisky…make use of these last few days…

…feel free to send more…

…sure NOW you get greedy…

And, shock of all shocks, I got a few of my own.

Another the next day, just because I like how they look at this angle. (And, actually, these aren’t all that were taken but I noticed a pattern thanks to being out of practice with the daily shots: they were all pretty much the same!)

Our last day:

Rise n shine! Bright and early in the morning, before I had to wake the munchkin.

Munchkin at school and nephew visiting grandparents. You can read about Thor, also seen here, back here. Since I’d only recently had my oh-so-brief ‘encounters’ with the opposite sex for the first time in almost a year, I bottomed out even more easily than I did the first time I used that pup. Sent James the picture telling him something along the lines of this is how shallow his neglect has left me.

Later that same afternoon, fresh out of the shower – since that’s usually when I’d snap a picture for him (two pant sizes bigger than I was when he left – neglect I tell ya!:():

That was the last I got to send to him (over the phone, anyway). I figured I’d have time to get one more in before they were shut off but they got us earlier than usual that time. But I did get a few more…:D

Apparently I wasn’t the only one in heat that day. Within a couple of hours of my romp with Thor, Anthony popped up.

Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you…

After seeing that, I did a lot of thinking about him, too. Mmmm.

And, just before the Witching Hour, lucky girl me, got a couple more from James.

I miss him, and his appendages, especially since I’ve gotten (and, now, revisited) these little reminders. Wonder which will come back first – my sex drive or him.

I’ve got 3 leads cast for New Years – one each with first, second, and third generation friends. Be interesting to see what comes next – hopefully it’ll be fun, whatever it is! I have some good luck charms, though:

I’m trying something new as part of this transformation/hibernation thing I’m going through – no more cotton unless it’s that time of the month. Heh. Let’s see how much magic they can work for me…

I’ve done this for a few reasons: to start, I wanted to see how he and the Bearcub are doing – plus I miss him and figure he is the only other (aside from Chaz) I might want to play around with. We’ve been chatting via IM and I blew him away when I mentioned the whole playing thing. I’m not too sure if we’d actually end up fucking, but he’s great at cuddling (thus mi Bear) and I really enjoy his company. Plus I want to see for myself how he’s doing now, how well he’s recovered from his accident.

Hard to believe it’s been almost 4 years since we saw each other last. It’ll be interesting to see how much has changed (and hasn’t, as I have no doubt we’ll be able to pick up to running our mouths nonstop like it was just yesterday I had occasion to visit).

I’m chomping at the bit to see him but it’ll be a bit yet before it’s even a possibility. I have to make sure I’m ahead in school and figure out how/when I can spare the time/money to make the hours’ drive.

I’m back home – deeper into hibernation than I was before I left (or came back) – and today is somewhere between two dates – the one where James and I met (early November-ish, 3 years ago now) and the last time we saw each other.

The me from a year’s past was spending time with his family and friends she loved before they even met and, in a couple of days, would be readying herself for the end of her vacation and the dreaded drive home, secure in her love for him and ready to return to his battlegrounds. The me of today is faced with a love still as strong as it was back then and nowhere to put it, wishing she didn’t have to deny herself the fleeting pleasure of another trip to be in his arms to serve up a reminder of just how much she is to him. This year’s me has barely left her room, is struggling to catch up on class work, wanting to work on her business instead, and wishing for two simple things: for the tears she’s held back so long to spill forth and the safety to let them fall.

Funny how a year can seem like it was just yesterday but, at the same time, feel like an eternity among the damned.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone and here’s a special shot to those of you who are spending it like her: alone in a house of 10+ people.

I guess I’ll introduce you to the loon I’m becoming.

To kick it off, through some unfortunate circumstances that led to some more unfortunate circumstances, I met a guy I thought would make a good boytoy a few months ago now. I’ll call him Ricky. We fucked the second time we saw each other, after a month and a half of talking on the phone and because I had occasion to go visit my hometown. The first time felt good. I’ve missed a man inside me more than I realized. BUT my tightness was his ruin after the rubbing he got before I finally decided to say ‘oh well’ and jump on. Hooray for very quick quickies (not). We tried again the next night but I ended up dry as a bone. I didn’t explain that I couldn’t get wet because he wasn’t James, just blamed it on a body chemistry problem that’s partly true.

Had he come around any time ‘before,’ he might have made it longer. But between my really not feeling the whole fucking thing (again later) and the small annoyances that became bigger ones because of my new-found cat lady status, that just didn’t happen. This is one reason I’m glad my new lifechanges are in the works. (More on those in a sec.)

The second time I visited my hometown, I had occasion to meet up with the only male of significance in my life that I haven’t fucked, Chaz. Chaz been around as long as Esteban and Xavior (almost half my 31 years on this earth) and was my best friend back in those early days and a bit into the later ones. With a few benefits. While we never fucked, we had rather regular dry humping sessions until he found himself a woman. Fair-skinned, long haired beauty with a foreign accent who could kiss like nobody’s business. We always ended up naked, always had orgasms (multiple at times in my case). One of us always had underwear on and there was never any penetration, unless you want to count the occasional finger exploring my depths. They still stand as some of the hottest nights I’ve experienced.

Anyway, the first night I was at his place, it went much like I thought it would. We caught up, shot the breeze while he tried to get some files from my dead computer, and had an all around fun time playing with his adorable pooches. Ricky ended up sealing my growing annoyance with him thanks to his constant ‘bugging’ to head on to his house. I put him off as long as I could – I was having a lot of fun where I was. I finally gave in a good few hours later than I’d planned, figuring I’d go make my third attempt at fucking, because the possibility of fucking Chaz hadn’t even crossed my mind.

Chaz offered me his guest room and I chuckled. (I really am dense.) I told him I’d best be going and slowly made my way out the door. We stopped just outside his door and he stepped down a step and turned around to face me, putting us about eye-level. I gave him a big squeeze, leaving my arms draped over his shoulders, and asked after his plans for the following night. Somehow, his lips ended up on mine. I melted a bit and moaned as he mentioned the guest room again.

And what do I do? Turn it down. And for what? A total fiasco. Hours of time wasted thanks to alcohol and bad lube. And then having to turn Chaz down again the next night because I’d have felt dirty, our first time being just one night after I was with some other guy. (Been there, done that, most definitely not my cup of tea.)

I told him I’ll be back in town around Thanksgiving and we have tentative plans to meet again but there’s no telling if it’ll happen thanks to all the travel he does for work. I still find myself twitching at the idea when it crosses my mind, about a month later. It works out well, though, because we might not even have to get to fucking and I might just be able to have myself a male-stimulated orgasm again. That’d be nice. I don’t think I’ve experienced that in what…two years or so?

Now beyond all that…general life stuff…

I’m almost done with school which means I might have more time to focus on other things (like everything I keep promising to do for this place) but thanks to some scheduling changes, I must plan to move back home. ‘When’ is still up in the air, whether it be this month or just after the first of the year, but it is coming. I might be saddened by that fact were it not for the fact that my current circumstances are almost as bad as what I was going through up there. I am saddened by the fact that I’m still having to choose between the lesser of the evils instead of living the life I want to be living. But at least if I’m up there, I’ll have my days free so I can try to put my impending degree to use. And I’ll be able to ‘escape’ from time to time – something I can’t do here.

I’ve also cut myself off from a lot of people. Again. After some deep thought and issues with resentment toward James, I decided it was time to get rid of our phone plan. We’re paying a lot every month and not using the phones for their originally intended purpose so right now, they’re a waste. This has the added benefit of becoming unavailable to a lot of people I’d rather not have any dealings with. My contact list had grown to close to a hundred and, aside from my family, I think 20 people made the cut. And I’ve deactivated my ‘main’ FB account again, cutting off almost every mode of contact save email. It’s nice, being liberated, even if it sounds a bit strange coming from a webslut such as myself.

Eh, best for last I suppose…On James…I’m finally confident he’s through fucking the girl he was fucking and I’ve played a few conversations in my favor. I’ve sown the last few seeds I can for the forseeable future so I’m basically at a point where I’m filling the last few commitments I had to him and waiting to see if he’ll realize I’m too important to let go. Either he will or he won’t and I’ll finally have a chance to start moving on. As usual, I guess time will tell. Meanwhile, I’ll be doing my best to make the best of a pretty crappy situation.

Suppose I’ll be back when I have more substance. Heh.