I’ve just managed to come up with a name (because I’m horny and was going to complain because I hadn’t thought of a name to use in the rest of my story) for my new friend. As luck would have it the answer just…’drifted’ into my mind when I opened up for it.
That said, he shall be Andre. My time there was surprisingly…blissful. And a lot of the stuff that has happened as a result really shouldn’t surprise me…but…
Life…is life. I’ve been joking more and more about becoming a crazy ol’ cat lady (sans cats, because I really don’t like them – probably snakes instead) so I figured I’d try for like the fourth or fifth time over the last three or four months to sit down and write something.
A few stolen moments, trying hard not to tap too loudly on a ‘foreign’ keyboard…
I figure since I’ve been here twice today I may as well add a third, just for luck.
Last Sunday, a mere 7 days ago, I was high. I was higher than I’ve ever been without any outside influences.
I turned my focus to writing out what was going on to release some of the energies. Monday, instead of lamenting the loss of headspace, I was thankful I’d come down. Thursday, I had to rearrange a big portion of my life. I still haven’t finished that entry.
I had this pretty cool post written up but had to stop about half way through. In it I wrote that I wasn’t going to pay any attention to what I’d written ’cause I knew me and I’d want to change it up if I looked at it too closely. And, of course, that’s exactly what happened. I reread today hoping to figure out which thread I’d left off with but I just couldn’t finish.
I may still snag bits and pieces from it, but I’m still obsessing over making it at least somewhat coherent. It might not make any sense to anyone but me, but that’s kinda the point. I want to be able to read this again later on down the line and understand. With my memory the way it is… *smirks* Yeah.
Let’s continue, shall we?
So let’s see.
Well, I was in the shower earlier (though it’ll probably be ‘last night’ by the time this actually gets posted) and a question popped into my mind. I still haven’t got a clue how it came about. I was just shaving. I’ll have to remember to ask Papi the question, but that led to something else.
Now, for all intents and purposes, I could easily get to and stay in status as Papi’s housecunt. I
might even end up ambling on into the cunt in a cage side of things. With his life the way it is, he needs someone ‘social’ so to go full-on into either of the roles I’d like to be in would leave some of his needs unmet.
I think that for every entry I’ve posted for public eyes since Thursday, I’ve posted one for Esteban. My fingers hurt. My brain hurts.
And there’s still more lying in wait.
There is a battle going on here. Logic vs. emotion. Esteban is logic. I’m emotion. He’s all mind. I’m all heart.
We are from, and have been operating in, two completely different walks of life. We are essentially polar opposites, having only been drawn together on the most primal of levels. Neither of us can escape the pull though so here we are.
To say that crucial points get lost in translation is a serious understatement.
There are times he looks at me wondering if I have what it takes to stand with him. There are times I look at him wondering if he has what it takes to ‘handle’ me kneeling at his feet. Poor choice of wording, I think, but it’s all I can come up with at the moment.
I often find myself wondering if I am even capable of either one. The idea of trying to find a balance between both is staggering more often than not.
And the cherry to top it all off? I have parts of me duking it out almost constantly.
Can we say frustrating?
I spent most of last night and a good portion of today writing and now I’m even questioning whether or not it’ll do any good, achieve it’s intended purpose.
Man I wish I’d have just shut up.
It’s becoming more and more obvious that I really, really, really need the release I could have had this weekend.