I wish I were all grins this morning instead of feeling like my insides are being ripped out.

I wish I hadn’t gone to sleep yesterday afternoon.

I wish I’d been able to sleep last night.

I wish I could have stayed in bed with him all morning.

I wish I didn’t have to feel his pain or see it in his eyes.

I wish he didn’t have pain.

I wish I could take it as my own.

I wish I didn’t have to hear ‘this is harder than I thought.’

I wish I didn’t have to fight to hold back tears.

I wish I could have come home and curled up in bed.

I wish I could spend the next few hours crying.

I wish he were still here.

I wish I’d gotten one more hug.

I wish, I wish, I wish.

My dreams sometimes take me to places I’d rather not go. A dream I had yesterday while I was
napping was no exception. I woke up feeling like I had a big ball of ice in my gut. It was about Papi. I thought on it as I was trying to wake up, making sure to hold on to it until I was fully functioning. I turned it over and over in my head, trying to figure out what to do about it. I didn’t think it was possible that something like that could slip under the radar. Surely he’d have mentioned it, so I didn’t need to worry but there’s never any harm in asking.

I’d actually forgotten about it until much later while I was on the phone with him. I asked about
as soon as it came back to mind. Turns out my dream was dead on. It was disturbing. We started discussing it but I couldn’t hear much of what he was saying over the phone. I told him we could talk about it more when he got here. I brought it back up when we were snuggled up on the couch. I tried to get it out of my system but he said to wait. I squeezed the last bit of the dream out and dropped it.

We finally retreated to the motel and spent more time talking. I’m still not comfortable looking
him in the eyes for more than a few seconds at a time. He made me look at him and I ended up in tears again. He told me, face to face, that he owned me. He said a lot that’s been typed, reaffirmed all the important things. He talked and I listened, answering where appropriate. He’s even given me a task. I remember the first part of it, but for the life of me I can’t remember the second. I think he said he’ll remind me about that part. I hope he did, anyway.

Once all that was out of the way, his cock was in my mouth and he was spanking my ass. The
fucking to rival all fuckings followed closely. Moans, growls, more spankings, face slapping too. Yummy stuff. I was aching and a happy little slut as I laid next to him watching an old Eddie Murphy stand-up while he slept. All was good until I turned off the TV and tried to go to sleep.

That dream reached up out of nowhere and bit me.

I couldn’t sleep, so I got up and sat in the chair at the foot of the bed. I had a decent cry and actually managed to succeed in not turning into a blubbering mess or waking Papi. I got cold, though, so I went to lay in the other bed. My shuffling the covers woke him up and he called me over. I tried laying with him again but I just couldn’t do it. I actually got mad when he put his arm over me so I got up again. I leaned against the sink until he went back to sleep and started pacing. I don’t know how long I was at it.

It felt like hours. I felt like a caged animal. I wished I could leave. I guess it couldn’t have been more than 30 minutes before I got cold again. I eased my way back into the other bed and managed to sleep for a bit.

I woke up some time a few hours later and felt lost. I was still hurting, but I knew I was wasting
time. I climbed in bed with him and curled back up. I wasn’t at his back and it felt uncomfortable, so I climbed over him to nestle but he turned to face me.

Can’t sleep?

It went downhill from there. I told him about what I’d done while he was sleeping. I told him how
I felt. I tried to ask questions and soon realized that trying to get rid of my poison brought his to light. I had no idea things were so bad and what I saw was only a tiny glimpse. I guess he’s trained himself well. I hurt for him and the pain is intense. I wish there were something I could do but given the circumstances, there isn’t much.

The rest of our time was strained, our parting sorrowful. I still hear his words echoing in my head, still feel the stray tear on my fingertip.

I wish things were different. I wish we were really together now more than ever.