Life…is life. I’ve been joking more and more about becoming a crazy ol’ cat lady (sans cats, because I really don’t like them – probably snakes instead) so I figured I’d try for like the fourth or fifth time over the last three or four months to sit down and write something.
Posts Tagged ‘Xavior’
Jul
27
2011
In the Still of the Night…
A few stolen moments, trying hard not to tap too loudly on a ‘foreign’ keyboard…
Dec
24
2006
Is It Possible
To consider yourself a submissive when you’ve only felt submissive to one?
I am inclined to say no and I’m actually okay with that.
It’s very likely that I wouldn’t be where I am right now if it weren’t for Esteban.
I’d have continued my life as I’d planned when I came home. I’d have continued to work and go to school and struggle with my demons. I’d have continued to try to make myself a better person – if not for myself, for the not so lil one. I wouldn’t have been broken. I wouldn’t have struggled near as much as I have. I wouldn’t have been as angry or conflicted.
My life would have been easier. I may not have progressed as quickly as I did or dug so deeply into myself, but still…
The one truly good thing that has come out of the last few years is the lil one.
I’ve learned a good bit about being submissive and even relate to some of it, but honestly I feel as though the things I am trying to grasp now are things I need to be a better woman. Period. All else aside, that would be why I continue.
I submit to Master because I respect him and value his opinion. He has been my guardian for quite some time now, has never steered me wrong. I look up to him as a friend, mentor, and teacher. If there is anyone who can help me understand and change the things I want to, it’s him.
I keep trying to weigh options and make decisions that shouldn’t even be a factor in my life right now. I keep trying to look forward to things that may or may not happen and wondering ’what if…?’ To top it off, I get scared. I start freaking out for no good reason. I get lost in my self-induced chaos, thinking my world is about to end when in reality it’s moving on as it always has with only the slightest of changes.
The line I now walk is a fine one. There is no room for the problems I seem set on creating for myself.
I have to focus.
Dec
11
2006
Musings
”If you tame me we shall need each other. To me you will be unique in all the world. To you I shall be unique in all the world. When you have tamed me, it will be as if the sun has come to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that is different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow.”
The fox gazed at the little prince, for a long time. ”Please–tame me!” he said.
Nov
29
2006
More rambling
Guilty yet again of trying to apply logic in all the wrong places.
After I talked with Esteban and made my post, just before I went to sleep, I found myself slipping into the habit that gets me in the most trouble.
If I’m not doing A, I must have to do B. If X isn’t happening, surely Y is around the corner…
Here, dara, have a nice hot cuppa shut the fuck up and enjoy the ride.
Nov
15
2006
Musings & Uh Huhs
It’s easy enough to say I want this or need that. What kind of ’this’ and how much of ’that’ is enough? What kind of attention do I want? How much would sate my beast? What sort of control do I need to thrive and how much can I take before I start to react instead of respond?
What sort of validation do I need and under which circumstances? I say I need a certain type of man in my life, but what kind of man is that? Is he a Master?
What is a Master? What makes him more than an attentive, caring, and protective vanilla man? I tried finding more on that one question today with no success. Imagine that. So many resources for submissives, and few for [aspiring] dominants/masters…*sighs*
How can I define something that has no definition or apply logic to the illogical?
Nov
11
2006
Assignments ~ Retrospect
The purpose of this writing assignment is to take a good hard look at your journey thus far. All slaves realize they have come a long way from those first trembling steps but that’s merely because of what they feel inside. The task at hand is simple. You are to spend some time thinking about how you were when you first started into the lifestyle. Describe how you felt and what you expected. Venture forward to what you would consider the halfway point and describe how you felt. Were there any pitfalls that you needed to overcome? What was it that encouraged you to continue? Step into the present day and sum it all up. Tell me if your path is the same or has changed and why you feel the way you do.
Master
I’m not one of the people who have been submissive all their lives. As a matter of fact, I seem to have been pretty finicky. Over the course of 5 years, my service-oriented side peeked through two times. They were fleeting glimpses at best and I never really thought about what was happening. Of course I wouldn’t have known what it was back then if I had given it a second thought SO…
Nov
11
2006
Weekend Recap
The weekend was great. I hate losing my headspace, though.
I was further under than I’d been in quite some time. By the time was I up enough to be coherent, it was five in the morning and it was all I could do to get ready for bed.
After a few hours of sitting here trying to write, I’m still having issues.
Oct
30
2006
Backtracking A Few Days…
So much has happened over the last few days and I’m not sure where to go with it. The last time I tried to write I went forward and backward and forward again. That seems to be the only way to make this make any sense, but I think I’m going to add one more twist to this – just to keep things interesting of course. *smirks*